Unconditioned
by iris0011
Summary: 'I did wrong... I know I did... I just know you must hate me now... because I hate myself.' Orihime-Ichigo-Masaki


_A/N: Again Orihime-Ichigo-Masaki... _

_This is basically an internal monolog of Ichigo's, with which he connects two memories of his past together. He is not really talking to Orihime, only in his thoughts. _

_Disclaimer: usual_

Unconditioned

I did wrong... I know I did... I just know you must hate me now... because I hate myself.

…_..._

I was only five. My life was perfect back then... I had my loving Mom, and her love was everything I needed. I was spoilt like rotten... And I was happy.

That day Karin came into my room, and took my favorite toy airplane from my shelf, and she accidentally broke it. I was angry. I had a huge tantrum. I cried and screamed and I even hit her in the end.

My Mom saw it.

'Ichigo! How could you?'

'Momma! She broke my airplane! Look! She ruined it! It's mine, she had no right to touch it! They ruin everything! She and Yuzu!'

'That's because they are still very little... but no matter what happened you're not allowed to hit them!'

Her gentle eyes held so much sadness in them, but I was too angry, and maybe too young to see why. All I understood was that she defended the twins again... I understood that my mother didn't love me any more... All she cared for now were the twins. We used to be just the two of us, but now Karin and Yuzu were always in the way... I didn't want to share her love with anyone. I felt rejected... and it hurt so much...

'Do you know why elder brothers are born first?' my Mom asked reaching out to stroke my scowling chin. 'It's to protect the little brothers and sisters that come after him...' she said gently.

But I pushed her hand away angrily.

'I don't want to protect them! I hate them, and I hate you too!' I screamed and ran out of the room.

Hot tears burned my eyes as I ran through the house, down the stairs, and finally barricading myself in the closet where we kept the coats and stuff. I sat down to the floor, next to a broken umbrella, and a summer straw hat in the darkness, and embraced my knees tightly, crying all the time.

I was afraid. I knew I've just done something unforgivable... I told my Mom I hated her... I didn't even mean anything that I said, I was just angry... I was a horrible person, who didn't deserve to be loved... Who could love such a monster? I hated myself. And yet... I never before carved more to be loved that at that moment... but I thought it was impossible. I was afraid and lonely...

Then I heard the door of the closet open softly. I stiffened between my sobs, but didn't raise my head. She came in and sat quietly next to me. She didn't speak or move for a moment or so. Finally she drew in a large breath, and said:

'It's a good thing than that no matter what, I will love you...' her voice was slightly high pinched, but when my eyes snapped up to look at her with wonder I saw no tears, only some faint glimmer in her's. She gave me this look... It was intense. Not happy, but steady and comforting. And I knew, I felt right away that what she said was the truth. She would love me, forever, no matter what. No matter what I did...

…...

This is a memory I buried in myself deeply long ago... and I know the reason why it suddenly resurfaced. It was the look you gave me... it was the same look...

…...

I woke up hardly remembering anything... I was lying face down in the dirt. I knew something terrible happened. I half stood up, placing my hand to a throbbing part in the middle of my chest. This finally brought back some memories... That's right. The battle with Ulquiorra... did I lose? Didn't he blast a hole in my chest? What did I do?

Then I saw you...

You probably didn't realize how terrified you looked...

Then I saw Ishida... with a familiar sword going through his chest... Tensa Zangetsu...

I did wrong... I knew I did... I just knew you must hate me... because I hated myself.

I was a monster... you should all back away from me... leave me... even I was afraid of myself.

But then you called me, in your sweet, caring voice.

I looked at you.

Your eyes...

And realized that you would never leave me... no matter what... no matter what I did... because...

…...

I'm so lucky to have you... What "fate" took from me, I have it again, with you...

So, I will now dedicate all my life, my body and soul to fight for you... to protect you...

…...

I love you...

…...

_A/N: If this story moved something in you, please review!_


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